At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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