I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
