I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
