bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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