As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
