My sheets look like a crime scene.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
