At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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