Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
