no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
