I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
