It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
