She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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