I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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