you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
