i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
