my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
