If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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