So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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