I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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