im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can I color on your dick again?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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