I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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