If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize