Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
