all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
