I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
