Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
