i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I want her autograph on my taint
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
