I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
