Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just googled if crying burns calories
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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