I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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