your parents love me but you hate me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
