She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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