Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
