i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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