WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
