Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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