Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
