Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
