I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
