I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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