You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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