I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
