so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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