Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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