also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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