I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
