Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
