I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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