I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize