I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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