Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
