last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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