I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
