tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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