I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
