Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
