I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
