This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
