cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
