oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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