I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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