cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
