I hope mine doesn't look like that
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
