ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
