i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
