Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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