so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
